things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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