If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
