Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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