My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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