Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
