my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
