Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
