mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
