Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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