He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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