16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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