Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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