Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
