This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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