just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
