That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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