I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
