My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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