She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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