i already hear my dad disowning me
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize