Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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