Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
