I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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