Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
