I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
