Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
This baby is an asshole
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
