Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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