Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
