dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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