Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I want a musical about memes.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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