yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
