I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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