At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
