I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
