Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Randomize
