That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
