Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I just found a bag of teeth...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Drunk is a universal language darling
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
