i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
