my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
