3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
