There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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