I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The uberlube is also flammable
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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