You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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