Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Boobs are out for the taking
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
