Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
