i already hear my dad disowning me
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize