she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
