i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
