I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
