ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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