it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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