I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
