You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
