why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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