I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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