Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
