The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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