Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
