I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize