I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
