I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
