Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
