I should be sponsored by Trojan
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
