I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Randomize
